… to love or to be loved?
In the ideal world, it would be both.
What if the ideal world does not exist?
the blooberrymuffin
life and everything in it — food, friends, love, animals, travel, musings and pretty things.
… to love or to be loved?
In the ideal world, it would be both.
What if the ideal world does not exist?
Since you ask…
You can’t control whether other people love you or not, and worrying about something you can’t control is a sure way to suffer. Better to be concerned with what is within’s one control and act according to one’s nature. So it’s better to love…when loving is a true manifestation of yourself, since inauthentic love, as well as love that is idealized as something permanent and eternal, will also lead to suffering.
My two cents, for what its worth. :)
: f :
PS I found your blog through Mica.
Very interesting, Frederik, thank you and welcome! :)
If to love is to suffer, does it then mean the love is inauthentic, missing something, or wrong in some way? In which case, is it better to turn to simply being loved, if such an option exists, instead?
In my experience, loving leads to suffering when it isn’t based on reality. If you love someone based on your expectations of who they should be instead of who they actually, are, the love struggles with being authentic. If we love someone because we expect them to love us in return, or be of some other benefit to us, then it’s hard to make a case that the love is genuine given the element of selfishness.
As for being loved, the pitfall comes from the expectations that might arise for ourselves from the fact that someone loves us. We might impose on us the expectation to return that love, which leads to suffering when knowing that we don’t genuinely feel it. Or we might get lost in the flattery of being loved and take advantage of it for our own benefit. In any case, how does one turn to simply being loved? We can’t decide to be loved, and suffering arises when we don’t find ourselves loved as we would like to be.
Of course, the first question is what kind of love are we talking about? Romantic love? Love of family and friends? Compassionate love for all beings? My thoughts so far, I admit, are directed towards romantic love. Having experienced unrequited love that destroyed a valued friendship, I’m keenly aware of how mismatched expectations and well-intentioned delusions lead to inauthenticity and suffering for both sides. For other kinds of love, though, I think it’s possible to both give and receive love. We can love our friends and family, and appreciate their love in return, without getting caught up in delusions that the feelings and relationships are anything other than what they are; impermanent but valuable, unconditional but not necessarily uncritical. Similarly, we can cultivate compassion, which I’d say is a form of love that doesn’t lead to suffering, for all beings.
Out of curiosity, and without trying to pry, do you have a particular situation in mind with your question, or this just a general musing?
Very wise words and totally agreed with. Thank you for the comment, Frederik! :)
This is a general musing that is loosely based on actual situations (of several people’s), and it is about romantic love. I guess the key here is to know who they actually are, before we can love them for who they are. That was the cause of the suffering, a lack of understanding between both parties, creating doubt.
One turns to simply being loved, when there is someone else willing to give that love. Obviously this is not a way out because feelings cannot be transferred just like that, but sometimes it makes one wonder if everyone could be happier and everything could be easier.
But then, who said love was easy anyway? :)